Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
