Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
