Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
