She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Banned from zoo.
Again?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
