3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
