1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
