dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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