Tell her she can't have a vagina
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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