Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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