well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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