It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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