Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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