I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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