dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
