I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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