so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
