just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
