i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
