it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
