my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
