Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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