I haven't been this sober since birth.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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