First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
