I'm pants shitting drunk right now
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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