Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
