I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
