mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
