Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
