You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
