how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
