I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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