I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
