I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
