life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
