I'm so fucking centered right now
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
