Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
