I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
