That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
