You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
