I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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