did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
