just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
