you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
