Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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