walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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