yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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