do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
