I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
