we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
you had me at cake vodka
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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