i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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