it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
