my phone needs a breathalizer
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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