he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just googled if crying burns calories
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
