i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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