Princesses don't give blow jobs
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
